Sunday, March 6, 2011

And we're home! The first 6 weeks.

My mom cleaned our house while we were in the hospital.  Thanks mom!  She also cooked us some supper and stayed the night to help out.  I can't say that I've ever seen her so elated.  She's such a happy, proud grandma.  Things were good.

I tried to lie on my side to go to bed and I felt like my insides were going to fall out of my body.  I created a propped area on the bed and was able to sleep while the baby was sleeping.  My milk finally came in on day five, so we stopped supplementing formula.  There was plenty to go around.  My boobs didn't look like a part of my own body anymore.  So foreign.  Dan helped me take a shower and clean the c-section wound with some Hibiclens.  It looked like a war zone.  This was the 1st time that I cried about everything.  I sat in the shower and sobbed about the delivery.  And then felt bad about crying because I had a healthy baby, what was I upset about?

G didn't sleep too well but Dan and I took turns taking care of her and he woke me up when she needed to eat.  She ended up being diagnosed with acid reflux and was put on Zantac to help. Thank goodness.  We started to get some good four hour stretches of sleep.  Maternity leave was going well.


My dad and stepmom came to visit from Ohio to meet their new granddaughter.  It was nice to have some help and get an extra nap or two in.  My dad took her swimming for the first time because I was still healing.

I was still feeling down when the baby was sleeping, but never questioned my ability to take care of her.  I sent my husband this email when she was 3 weeks old because every time I tried to say it out loud, I welled up with tears:
"i havent figured how to say it outloud- but i feel like a failure for having a c-section.  
i know i'm not supposed to, but i cry about it daily.  i feel like i missed out on that 
first 'connection' with g.  i feel like my body failed me.  it makes me afraid to 
have another child, to go through the c-section again.  i don't want to go through it 
again, and not because of the pain, but because i feel like i missed out, like i didnt 
'earn' it.  like i took the easy way out. i run the whole day through my head over 
and over wondering where i went wrong, wondering what i could have done.  i just 
can't get over it. i know others don't think this way about me.  i know these things.  
but it doesnt help me feel better about it.  i don't know if this is considered depressed 
or baby blues, but i thought i should tell you." 


His response:
"I love you so much babe.  I know I can't say anything you haven't thought of.  Just remember that you did what was best for G.  She is here, healthy (chubby baby), and loves us more every day. Just like
I love you more every day.  Your first connection was far before the delivery.  You carried her and nurtured her for over 9 months.  She heard you and felt you for 9  months.  You continue to hold and nurture her in a way more intimate than anyone else ever can.  I don't know if there is a Dad alive who can say he is not jealous of the connection a Mom has with her child.
Don't hold in emotions for too long.  Your ability to feel and express yourself will benefit you, G, and everyone around you.  Crying is not a bad thing...
Loving you more every day,

Dan"


As sweet as my husband is, it didn't help me feel much better.  On July 30th, my sister in law went into spontaneous labor.  Sure, she had her membranes stripped but her body was already one upping mine.  She went to the hospital, was further induced, and after pushing through 2 contractions she had a healthy baby boy.  My nephew was here.  I was so excited for her.  And yet all I could do was cry.  I sobbed on my husbands chest for hours.  Not only was I upset about my childs birth, but I felt like shit because I couldn't just be happy for my sister in law.  How awful of a person am I?  What is this?  Birth envy?  The fact that I secretly hope that everyone has a c-section because I had to? Because I wanted it so badly and no one else seemed to care?  I reached out to 2 of my friends that had c-sections as well and they didn't feel this way.



It came time for me to go to my six week follow up at my O.B.'s and I thought for sure that they would be able to tell that I was depressed.  The nurses weighed me in and I was down 40ish lbs already.  WOO HOO.  First excitement I had felt in a while.  The doctor came in and did his incision check and again reminded me how lucky I was that he did a c-section.  Because he would have had to "cut me from end to end" to get that baby out.  From end to end.  Was that a threat?  I said nothing.  Right after that he asked me if I was depressed.  He didn't look at my face while he asked this question.  If he would have, he would've gotten his answer.  

3 comments:

  1. So sorry. Crying now. Love you. Not G's fault 😞

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    Replies
    1. Not her fault one bit! SO happy to be out of the darkness now.

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