Friday, January 6, 2012

Dear Pregnancy, here's a few reasons you suck.

Okay.  I can't say that I LOVE being pregnant.  Kudos to those of you that do.  I also can't say that I hate being pregnant either.  But there are things about pregnancy that I hate:
-The increased sense of smell.
So you have a super nose.  Do things ever smell super good??? No.  But I am convinced my entire house smells like cat poop.  Can I smell the flowers outside or the fresh fruit? No.  I can only smell crap.  Everywhere.
-The 3 months of nausea.
Luckily, this one isn't about me.  But I do have a couple friends experiencing this right now.  It feels like an all day hangover everyday, but you didn't get to go out and party your ass off the night before.  Chances are, the night before, you fell asleep on the couch at 7:30, because you were too nauseous to lay in bed, or move.  Oh, and this feeling lasts for 12 weeks for the lucky ones, 20+ weeks for others.  Thats at least 84 days of constant hangover.
-Waiting to tell people you're pregnant.
Most of the time, you wait until 12ish weeks to tell people you're expecting in the first place.  But, by this time, you end up severing multiple friendships because you keep cancelling on them.  Because you are too nauseous to go out or because they'll notice you're not enjoying a glass of wine. (when you normally do)  Or you too nauseated to even hold a proper adult conversation, because all you can think about is not throwing up.  People start to worry about your well being.  Little do they know, its because of the "little being" you're creating!  Thankfully, most of your good friends will understand why you have fallen off of the face of the earth for a couple months.
-You can't drink wine.
I'm not talking about sipping on 1/2 a glass of wine.  Because I do that when I miss the taste.  I'm talking about going out with the girls, having a couple glasses of wine at a fancy wine bar, and making a DD drive me home.  Call me selfish, but I miss my adult time.  I miss happy hour on my patio with my husband.  I'm not saying I want to get smashed every night, but man oh man do I miss the warm fuzzies wine give you after a full glass.
-No clothing fits well. 
First there is the "I just look bloated" faze.  Then you have the "I can't fit into maternity clothes or my regular clothes" faze.  Then you have the "holy crap I'm 9 months pregnant, and my maternity clothes don't fit anymore."  Even in the few month in between those fazes, when maternity clothes "fit", they don't really fit.  They are baggy, ill fitting clothes.  That are way too expensive.  Add the word 'maternity' to a shirt, and suddenly its now worth 25 dollars for a $10 tee shirt that's not going to fit well in the first place!
-Third trimester sleeping issues.
Anyone who's been pregnant knows what I'm talking about.  You can't sleep on your back.  Or your stomach.  You have 2 positions.  Right side.  Or left.  And as soon as you get comfortable there, you'll have to pee.  Or the baby will be kicking around, keeping you up.  (yes, they keep you up BEFORE they arrive!)  There's also the crazy dreams, the leg cramps, hip pain, and the  incessant heartburn that haunts you no matter how many tums you take.
-Peeing your pants.
Only a few tinkles thankfully.  And I keep up on my kegels!  But there is something about a little human inside your body, kicking the shit out of you bladder, out of the blue, that will make anyone with a bladder o steel pee a little.
-The AWFUL COMMENTS people make.
I'm not sure what it is about a pregnant belly that turns people into idiots.  But it makes people say things like this:
--Oh, when are the Triplets due?  (because that makes me feel thin and beautiful, jerk face)
--You MUST be due tomorrow!  (no, actually I have 3 months left.  Thanks)
--You must be having twins, you are HUGE!  (when is it ever okay to tell someone they are huge?)
--I need to get you out of here before you make a mess on my floor.  (from some cashier at target when I was 41 weeks pregnant.  It was the last time I went out in public.)
And here are a few postpartum comments that also suck:
--Got another one in the oven already huh?  (4 weeks PP)  No, pregnant women gain weight, and it doesn't just fall right off instantly, jerk!
--Enjoy it now before the baby comes!  ( this happened a  few days PP to a friend, who's child was in the NICU)

In conclusion, stop giving pregnant women a hard time!  We have enough going on as it is.  There's extra hormones and all of the above.  Just tell us we look great, and go about your day.  Because I would love to be able to go to the gas station without having someone make a completely ridiculous comment about how GIGANTIC I am.  Us preggo's need love too.

1 comment:

  1. I must be one of the women that enjoyed being pregnant....OOPS!! I remember the super nose and gagging a few times just from something I smelled, but I never struggled much with the other stuff. Yup, I'm one of the crazy ones!!
    And as I sit here and type, some memories are coming back. Oh yeah, I remember crying at the drop of a hat (but I still do that in my middle age....). And the uncomfortable feeling in the last month of pregnancy. It's a good thing women suffer only 9 months, right? I think you are beautiful when you're pregnant Jesse.


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